"I think especially if you had a point in depression where you're starting to feel about harming yourself or taking your life, you have to talk because people do need us here even if we feel like we don't belong here, we do."
I do battle with suicidal ideation very often. Even at my lowest—and I know that it's just how I feel, it doesn't mean that it's true—and I feel like the world would be a better place without me, I can't bring myself to follow through with it.
I feel like suicidal thoughts are a very big part of depression. There are different aspects. I know to me there have been moments when I thought about it because I just didn't want to deal with the way I felt anymore. It’s the way I feel—I don’t even know how to explain it. It's not something that you just wake up and feel, it's something that like builds.
Usually it's a plan that starts brewing and I push it away and I'm like, "I don't need to think about this," and then the pain of my depression and the sadness just get so overwhelming.
When I get to that point, that's when I start talking, because sometimes when I start thinking about suicide it does go away and I don't get to the point of feeling the need to act, you know. So once when I get to a point where I'm planning, that's when I try to use my coping skills—just breathe. I do a lot of breathing, try not to isolate. Everything that I do to deal with my depression, I try and amplify because I would say suicidal thought is depression at its lowest point.
I think especially if you had a point in depression where you're starting to feel about harming yourself or taking your life, you have to talk, because people do need us here. Even if we feel like we don't belong here, we do – we were here for a reason in the first place.
If you or someone you know are having thoughts of suicide, reach out to a healthcare provider immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.
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