"I just have to remind myself every day, 'I belong here. I am good enough. I'm worthy of living a happy life and I deserve a happy life.'"
I'm not sure that the feeling of worthlessness ever really goes away even when the depression is not at its most persistent. In my experience with depression, I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough for myself. And I try to tell myself, "What do you tell other people when they're depressed? You are good enough." So, if I can tell someone else that they're good enough, then why can't I believe that I'm good enough? And I just have to remind myself every day, you know, "I belong here. I am good enough. I'm worthy of living a happy life and I deserve a happy life." My therapist also told me, "You could write on the mirror—you deserve love, you're worthy, stuff like that. So, when you go into your bathroom first thing in the morning, you forget it's there but you're like, ‘Oh, I do deserve love, I'm awesome.’"
After someone very close to me committed suicide, I started writing sticky notes all over my bedroom. I don't even know what it looked like from the outside, but one would say, "You deserve to be alive today. You are worthy." And I would read them every day. Some days they worked like a charm and I'd be like, "I'm awesome, I deserve to live," and then other days I'd be like, "I can't believe my own words." But I try to remind myself, if I let the depression consume me and I end my life, I'm never going to know if things get better. They've gotten better before, they can just keep getting better. You can only go up, so I want to keep going up.
If you or someone you know are having thoughts of suicide, reach out to a healthcare provider immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255.
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